Can You Keep a Secret?

ag·o·ra·pho·bi·a

/ˌaɡərəˈfōbēə/

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noun

1. extreme or irrational fear of entering open or crowded places, of leaving one's own home, or of being in places from which escape is difficult.

So, Dear Hearts, let's talk dirty, little secrets.  Tell me yours and I'll tell you mine.  Okay, that's maybe a bit melodramatic, not to mention misleading, but I do have a secret.  A secret that would probably surprise almost all of my friends and acquaintances.  A secret that has been, for most of my life, merely an aggravation.  Until the pandemic.  Then, my aggravating little secret became "a thing". 

I think I can say, with confidence, that most people who know me would describe me as outgoing, friendly, fun loving, self confident, and, dare I say, fearless.  And, for the most part, they would be right.  In all fairness, there are also folks who would contend I'm sarcastic, foul mouthed, and lazy.  They would also be right.  However, I doubt hardly anyone would guess that I have a secret phobia that goes against all of those descriptors.

I have a fear of grocery stores.  Specifically, large grocery stores.  More specifically, grocery mega-stores.  I can't explain this phobia or point to any horrific grocery store incident that sparked it.  I was not frightened as a child by a mean grocer or ever experienced a humiliating moment in the produce aisle.  Nope, nothing in my past can account for this irrational fear, it simply is what it is.  The fear manifests itself mainly as anxiety.  Although, I have never had an anxiety "attack", per se, in a grocery store, I do experience increased heart rate, occasional, slight dizziness, and an overwhelming desire to get in and out of the store as quickly as possible.  My anxiousness has, at times, had me circling the parking lot again and again, while trying to summon the courage to park and go inside, or giving up all together and resorting to gas station mini-marts.  Obviously, I found lots of go-arounds to my problem over the years.  The best solution was to seek out small, mom & pop stores that were much more comfortable to navigate (sadly, big grocery store chains have nearly wiped out small, locally owned grocers).  Other remedies included shopping with a roommate or friend (I'm only anxious when I'm alone), or sending ones husband to do the shopping for you (my ex-husband does not know his love of shopping was one of the things I liked about him most).

As I stated, this fear had always been kind of aggravating, but not something I considered debilitating or even odd.  That was until the Covid-19 pandemic.  As the months of isolation and fear of contracting the virus began to mount, I found my anxiety over grocery shopping began to increase as well.  Indeed, anxiousness over leaving my house for any reason began seeping into my psyche.  Now, it was becoming a thing.  And, as I was to discover upon doing some research, this thing was a form of agoraphobia and, apparently, with regard to grocery stores, more common than one might think.  According to medical data, the anxiety can be brought on by a fear of large, enclosed spaces or lots of people and noise.  Another factor, which I think is the root of my anxiety, is the over abundance of choices, which explains why I find small stores with fewer aisles and products more comfortable.

So why am I sharing about my secret phobia with you today?  Well, although I am aware in the big picture a grocery store phobia is probably among the least problematic phobias, it's only recently that I have been able to talk about my struggle.  Because I know the current state of affairs in our world is causing us all to experience a general sense of anxiety and foreboding, it occurred to me that if someone with a mild, specific phobia such as mine is feeling this tense in general, lots of you, Dear Hearts, are having a similar reaction.  I also understand that some days the hardest thing you have to do is make the walk from your front door to your car door.  You are not alone.

So now you know my best kept secret (if you believe that...).  Honestly, it wasn't until I read up on agoraphobia that I could make some real sense of my aversion to grocery stores.  I also recognize how my grocery phobia can expand to other aspects of my day to day life and I need to find ways to ease the tension this isolation can exacerbate. I still don't like grocery stores, but now it seems okay not to like them, and, consequently, I feel a little less anxious about them.  Weird, right?

Keeping it weird,

SEH

P.S.  If any of you experience my same phobia regarding large grocery stores, I would love to hear any advice on how you manage it.  Just comment below.